A Blog: Change

Original title, nu?

So I was scrolling through my old posts looking for a poem I had written forever and a day ago. It's absolutely ridiculous. I can remember so much stuff that was going on in my life at each particular point in time. So many people in my life who I miss now...the Chamberlains, Megan, Alyssa, Maria, Christin, Leo (really every ex-MyPraizer), just to name a few...life has been a crazy trip.

It feels so weird looking at all the things I've said, seeing who I was, and seeing who I am now. I hate to use the phrase again, but it really is absolutely ridiculous. I was so freaking arrogant in so many different aspects. One thing I do miss is how passionate I was. I feel like I've lost a lot of that, sadly. Maybe that's maturity? Heck if I know. I've just become really reserved for some reason.

In other ways, I know I've definitely improved. My stances are generally based on an unbiased look at things. I'm a lot less demanding and carefree than I use to be. I'm not nearly as judgmental. On the downside, it appears as though this has come with a tradeoff. I no longer have any friends. It's kinda weird. I had so many people I enjoyed hanging out with in and after high school...and we've all gone our separate ways. I mean, I guess I rarely would have time to hang out with them anyways; heck, I barely have time to hang out with my ever-so-lovely girlfriend as it is. I just wish I had a wider circle. I wish there were more people I could bounce thoughts off of or play video games with or just go on random road trips with. I have no idea how to create that circle.

I feel as though I'm a pretty dull guy. Heck, my idea of fun is administrating MyPraize, beta testing video games, debating theology (and sometimes politics), reading about technology and science...and that's about all I got for now. I mean, I enjoy doing pretty much any activity. I like laser tag, paintballing, bowling, go-karting, swimming in the ocean, walking on the beach, making short films, playing sports, camping...just about anything. I just have no one to do this stuff with.

Wow. That's a lot of whinging.

My theology has changed a lot. I'm a Calvinist. I don't see any reason as to why strong language is inherently sinful. I feel like man-centered religion is one of the biggest things that's wrong with Pop Christianity. Theistic evolution? It's up in the air for me, and since I'm no scientist, I have no plans to form an opinion on it.

I took a political quiz (the one at ontheissues.org), and I'm apparently a Libertarian...so yeah. There's that.

I feel like I'm at a really weird place in my life. The future is really foggy. I have no plans. I kinda have goals, but they're more "take it or leave it" than cemented. I'd like to go back to college, but I don't want to work as a graphic designer (except maybe on a very small, freelance, I-call-the-shots basis)...so I guess I don't really care what I do with my life, career-wise, so long as I can meet my financial obligations and raise a family. That's really the only firm goal. Get married. Raise a family. Ever since I was little and I first learned of this idea of a rapture...I turned to my dad and said, dead serious, "I don't want Jesus to come back too soon. I want to have a family."

I was hoping to move out this month...I guess I'll just wait and see how that works out. It looks like another deadline to be pushed back.

I really feel like a completely different person every year that goes by, from my senior year in high school onwards. I changed in a lot of ways my senior year and a lot afterwards. I've changed a ton since the ending of my last relationship...and, all things considered, I'd say for the better. It's mostly been in how I deal with relationships. I really was clueless. Terribly clueless. I'd rather not even admit to all the mistakes I've made, they're so embarrassing. Suffice it to say that Our Love Is Easy by Melody Gardot (aside from a line here and there) more or less describes my philosophy, and I am inexpressibly glad that this change has made its way to my heart. My past relationships were essentially doomed before they began due to the foundations being so off base. Now, I am happy to say that it's based firstly on God, and secondly on a "I'm giving myself to you" mentality, not a "you're giving yourself to me" mentality.

I really feel like I was a completely different person in the past, and would rather not be associated with any of his actions.

I guess that's about all I have to say. It was just on my mind. G'night.

[I'm Taken By Your] Idiosyncrasies

Every guy looks

For the perfect girl

One in a million

To rock his world

He searches constantly

For the flawless grin

Butterfly eyes

And the perfect chin

Curvy hips

Bulging chest

Who'll drop her pants

At his request

After much looking I've found

There's much more to be had

A more perfect girl

Who's cute when she's sad

Hair a mess

Tears run down

Mixing with makeup

Meeting at a frown

It's times like those

I realize I don't want the fake

I want your flaws;

Perfection they make

The sound your voice makes

When you've just woken up

The look always in your eyes

Like a long lost pup

The look on your face

When you're caught off guard

The sound of your breathing

When you're sleeping really hard

All these things

Serve to fascinate me

In short, I'm taken

By your every idiosyncrasy.

Remembering Her

The side alley is somewhat desolate save for an old man sitting amongst some cardboard boxes and bags of trash, clearly homeless. He notices a car driving past to dump its trash. He doesn't take much notice, as this is a common occurrence. As the car drives off, he looks over to see what they dumped. His eyes rest on a paper mannequin. His eyesight being as poor as his wallet, he can only make out a vague form, and in his despondency, lets his imagination do the rest of the thinking.

“Ruthy? Is that you?”

He gets up as quickly as his aging limbs will allow.

“Aw, Ruthy, I was wondering when we'd get the chance to talk. It's been a while, but I think we still have that spark. Shoot, remember our high school prom? You were as gorgeous as ever. I remember taking you under the moonlight and telling you exactly what you meant to me as we swayed to that song. Remember, Ruthy? I know I've kind of neglected you lately...but I mean to make it up to you. Honest. Here...we can dance like we did for prom...when everyone knew you were the queen of my heart.”

While a fond smile, the old man picks up the mannequin and pulls it to him, inhaling a scent that exists only in his mind. He slowly begins to sway.

“Aw, I've been meanin' to get a better job so's I could feed you right. I guess it just takes a dance to notice how much you could use a good meal, eh, Ruthy?”

He continues to sway. At one point, if you look closely, you can glimpse into his world, where only he and Ruthy exist, as he inhales the scent of her blond locks and looks deeply into her blue eyes. He smiles, pacified as his love is held in his arms. He whispers into her ear, causing her to throw her head back and laugh. They go on, doing every dance they did on that golden night. Eventually, the aging man can no longer stand from all of the exertion. He settles down with the mannequin comfortably in his arms, running his hands through the non-existent hair.

He smiles contentedly, resting his head against the brick wall. A few words escape his heart as he closes his eyes and drifts off.

“Aw, Ruthy. I've missed you so much.”